Hushed promises, tender words,

A life to uncover, to seek, to yearn,

Changes, unsteady, poignant and wise,

A deep calm, a wish, so bright

A long way, a little wait,

A steady pace, a surprising fate,

A warm smile, a hug so tight,

A brilliant sparkle, a bond ignites

Untainted feelings, naive and pure,

Torn before, twice unsure,

A soothing hand, a forgiven fight,

A dance into love, a dance for life :)

To remember

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
― Albert Einstein

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...”
― Dr. Seuss

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”
― John Lennon

“I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing.”
― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
― Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

“Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.”
― Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness

“Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.”
― G.K. Chesterton

“There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power or our will. ”
― Epictetus

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”
― Theodore Roosevelt

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”
― Shel Silverstein

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”
― André Gide, Autumn Leaves

“Life is to be enjoyed, not endured”
― Gordon B. Hinckley

“Happy girls are the prettiest”
― Audrey Hepburn

“Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.”
― John Greenleaf Whittier, Maud Muller - Pamphlet

“To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one’s self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived—this is to have succeeded.”
― Bessie Anderson Stanley

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”
― Dr. Seuss

“Everything you can imagine is real.”
― Pablo Picasso

“Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living.”
― Jonathan Safran Foer

“But better to be hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie.”
― Khaled Hosseini

“We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.”
― May Sarton

“Life isn't fair, it's just fairer than death, that's all.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

Brain dump

I miss my best friends. I miss those days when we used to sit on the terrace and yap about nothing in particular. Talks about the future and who we wanted to be and how we imagined our life post exams and school.

Silly ideas about love and life and an overwhelming desire to live them out. Random discussions over purpose and substance. Debates over the "right" and the "wrong". Heated arguments on philosophical topics.  Which were then cooled by raspberry flavoured popsicles.

Arguing over which movie to watch and how much popcorn to make. And then crying at the end of a devastatingly romantic movie and wondering if men like that existed. And if they did, why weren't they wooing us?

Pillow fights. Loud music. Midnight bike rides.

Sharing the ecstasy of buying good looking clothes cheap. Dressing up for dance parties and the facial disasters, thanks to liquid mascara. And the vows to never use it again. And again.

Reading classics and marveling at how subtle romance used to be. Listening to obscure music and mining for deeper meaning within lyrics.

Writing our own lyrics. Setting a tune. Singing on the top of our voices.

Birthdays. Bonding. Believing.
Moving out. Moving on. Moving away. 
Sticking up. Standing tall. Sitting pretty.

Even then, even now :)

Too soon

As she sat by the river, she thought of how he used to look at her.

She missed his laugh. She missed how he always wanted to hear about her day.

She missed the twinkle in his eyes when he was pulling her leg. Or trying to annoy her.

She missed his excited ramblings about nothing in particular.


She dipped her feet into the cool flowing water. It tickled her calloused feet.

Birds chirped somewhere behind her.

The overcast sky promised rain.

Little strings of loneliness pulled at her heart. She blinked back hot salty remembrances.

She searched the sky for reasons.

A lone tear glided down her cheek.

It glistened with the weight of past memories.

He had left her world... way too early.

She closed her eyes and felt the music.

His hands were on her back and they led her with strength and ease.

She could feel her dress swish around her. A loose tendril of hair fell across her face.

She barely cared.

He dipped her low for a fall and she threw her head back. She could feel her thigh muscles tighten and her back stretch out.

She never opened her eyes. She never let her weight fall.

The music increased in tempo and her feet increased in pace.

She felt a light throbbing in her toes.

And she smiled.

Spin, spin, spin.

She could feel her heart racing. She could feel the blood flow to her cheeks. She felt a drop of sweat trickle down her back.

As the music slowed, she anticipated his next move.

As expected, he pushed her back, brought her close and dipped her low.

She stayed in that position as the music faded out, savouring each beat.

And then she opened her eyes.

She looked up at the twinkling lights above her. White, blue and green.

And as they made slow swirling patterns above her, she stared. Mesmerized.

And she thanked God. For giving her feet.

Maybe

Maybe I should listen to sad songs.

Or watch romantic movies which boast of true and tragic endings.

Or call someone up and talk philosophy. But who?

Maybe I should go for a walk.

Or just sit here and wonder where my life is headed...

And what am I doing with it?

Maybe I should just be someone else for a while

Or at least forget who I was for a bit.

Would that be sad? Maybe.

Maybe I should teach regularly.

Or travel often.

Explore. Dream. Discover.

Hmmm....

Maybe.

Maybe yes.

Maybe no.

Perhaps.

Possibly.

So.

I have stared at this post for the past 30 minutes, thinking of what to write and finally given up.

C.R.A.P.

A hushed tear,
a trembling sigh,
a warm shiver,
As time crawls by.

Mother

She patiently listened, as I spoke out my heart,

Her eyes were warm and tender and calm,

She told me to breathe and poured me some tea,

"Life", she said, " is never what it's meant to be."

She stroked my hair and wiped my cheek,

Her eyes gleamed of known agonies,

Her hands were soft and packed with care,

Her voice soothed and lacked despair.

"Darling", she said, as she brushed the hair off my brow,

"The world maybe confusing, with its ifs, whats and hows",

"It maybe cruel, and at times unfair",

"But it lends a lot of hope to those who dare".

"It teaches and troubles, it appeases and it bites",

"It nudges and pushes, till you break free of fright",

"You'll wonder why you have to deal with it all",

"But darling you see, it'll teach you to stand tall"

"There will be times when you'll cry from that pain",

"And at times you'll want to run away",

"But remember you have that strength in you",

"And if you believe, you can make it through".

"But", I said, "How can you be so sure?",

"This is something I haven't faced before!",

"What if I crash or what if I burn?",

"The road is forked, with bumps and turns!"

She laughed softly and looked at me,
"Sweetheart", she said, with empathy,
"You have your friends and your family",
"You have your years and your beliefs".
"And this is the time to fight your battles",
"This is the time to make your life",
"This is that time you leap and jump"
"This is your time to get it right!"

A Dream

A distant gaze, a future it sees,
Laughter and joy and serenity,
The flutter of the eye,
Oh it cannot be!
A pinch on the arm,
And she is back to reality.

Oh, Uneasiness!

Oh uneasiness, how you tease,
you come and go, as you please!
You mock, you dance, with mirth you laugh,
amused and gleeful, at this tumultuous heart!

You cast a shadow, you bring a tear,
your force is baffling, no wonder so feared!
A sly little creature, Oh you are,
a prey of the mind, what a predator you are!

You swirl and sway, in the maze of my thoughts,
I try to fight you, but never are you caught!
Smooth and silky, you know your way,
How I wish you would just go away!

Oh uneasiness, you shrewd cunning Devil,
Fortunately, I've learned to fight you right,
I'll sparkle with a force so sure,
Ha, you'll be banished with that ray of light!

Rant. Me.

I wake up every morning, and wonder what to do next. Then I brush my teeth, have my breakfast, and then a bath.

And I wonder again, what next?

I kept thinking it's a phase, but now I think it's a problem. I seem to want to know the answers to everything. And I have a fear of things going wrong. At times, I just want to cuddle up in someone's arms and cry myself crazy and wake up to a time, where everything is just how I want it.

And ironically, I have everything with the potential of making me immensely happy in life. I have two cool parents, who strike a perfect balance between discipline and openness. I have friends who have accepted me for what I am and love me a whole lot for it. I have a job that pays well, and a hobby that makes me happy!

So, what is my problem?

I don't know.

Well, that's not entirely true.

My problem is fear.

I fear that I might lose this all.

I fear I won't be happy or successful. I fear heartbreak. I fear betrayal. I fear one day my friends will realize just how messy I am and wonder what they saw in me in the first place. I fear distance will estrange and that love will never blossom. I fear I won't have it in me to pursue my dreams and beam in real life. I fear failure. I fear loneliness. I fear I'll be unprepared for things ahead and one step too late. I fear losing a loved one.

Yep, so it's not just ghosts that scare me. I'm a pretty big scaredy cat alright!

I watched Randy Pausch's Last Lecture, and broke down in 10 minutes flat. (Partly because I knew how it would end ). I stopped watching P.S. I love you after 30 minutes. And I absolutely hated the last episode of Dexter on Season 4.

A friend of mine lost his life in a car accident sometime last year. The car overturned and he was thrown out.

Another friend committed suicide few months earlier.

So young. So dead.

I remember the body wrapped for the burial. I remember ashen faces. I remember the newspaper article.

And I remember how I first felt when I heard the news. Why?

I had nightmares where I imagined the feeling of jumping off a balcony. The feeling of helplessness and the inability to reverse your action once you took the leap. The searing pain as your body hit the ground.

Those were frightening thoughts.

I had met him two days before and I couldn't sense any distress. How oblivious was I?

I started imagining suicidal tendencies in everyone then. A minor upset and I would worry about that person's mental makeup.

I wondered if I had it in myself. Was I strong enough for life? How does one know anyway?

The volatility of life suddenly hit me.

And threshold for everything that wasn't evidently "happy" became 0. And fear set in.

Life became a drudgery and I wanted to know that mine wasn't one. It was as though I was refusing to move forward unless someone guaranteed I'd never have to face a hurdle. I seemed to want a report card on life, which read straight A's.

Obstacles overwhelmed me, and I saw everything with a negative eye. I didn't want to hurt. Not even a little.
What if I crumbled?

I felt people didn't need me as much as I needed them. I felt I was a burden when low and love became a trite emotion.

It felt as though the world was doomed, everyone was inherently unhappy and maybe 2012 wouldn't be such a bad thing after all.

Life became all about fleeting happiness and mounting pain.

The silver lightening in this dark cloud that my mind had become was the tiny knowledge that this person with these thoughts wasn't me.

I wasn't a negative person. I wasn't droopy faced and furrowed brow.

I was cheerful. Happy. Twinkle in the eyes and spring in the step. Hell, I danced more than walked and spoke more than thought.

So, where had I lost myself?

I remembered writing down my rules of happiness in my diary sometime back, actually a long time back, and now seemed like a good time to fetch them.

After rummaging through the mess that my bookshelf had become, I finally found the list. And this is how it went.

• NO EXPECTATIONS
• Don't expect to be the class prefect. If it happens, great. If it doesn't, focus on badminton. Remember to congratulate whoever it is that wins. Jealousy is lousy.
• He could say I like you, but don't expect him to sit with you at lunch time. He is a boy. Boys are weird. Plus, he'll eat your lunch.
• 100/100 in Maths is possible, but thinking about it while solving sums leads to silly mistakes. ( Don't use diameter as radius in the circle formula. Ever. )

• SMILE
• Your friends say you look pretty. Plus, it might get you those dimples that you have always wanted.

• DON'T PISS MOM OFF
• Just don't.

• DON'T TELL EVERYONE YOUR SECRETS
• Remember this.

• ALWAYS PLAN THE SURPRISE PARTIES
• Because everyone else just does a lousy job. Try, however, not to plan your own.

• REMEMBER WHO YOU LENT YOUR CLOTHES TO AND GET THEM BACK BEFORE MOM NOTICES
• She buys your clothes.

• ALWAYS BE HONEST
• :)

• TELL PEOPLE YOU LOVE THEM
• Don't hate. Try not to. Forgive yourself if some people annoy you. They can't help it.

• COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
• Especially when you feel cranky. Remember you are not a fun person when cranky. REMEMBER!

• YOU WILL FIND MR.RIGHT
• Till then, do something about your hair!

• DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS
• Your feelings, duh!

Clearly, I was a much cooler person at 15 than at almost 25.

That's why I like writing. It effectively captures you at significant moments of time, and you can always reflect on these moments later and either laugh or derive strength.

In the past few months, I've come to believe a lot less and question a lot more. Maybe it's the different experiences, incidents, close friends moving away, or just a different phase of life. I've realized that I really want to do a lot of things in life, I love many different things, and I want to be with certain people forever.

Few things have come to mean a lot to me over time, and I never want to lose them. Ambitions, dreams, and love course through me, sometimes with such force, that I wonder if I'm even allowed to feel this way.

I read through old messages and feel a sense of warmth and familiarity which gets me through the toughest of days. Yet, I taint pure emotions by analyzing them, rather than basking in them for that present moment. I make a mess out of situations by thinking from the heart than from the head and I ruin ephemeral situations by practicality. I can be your punching bag, but won't let you be my shoulder. I'm a contradiction of sorts but maybe the most adorable of them all? :)

But at the end of the day, when I'm done with my whims, I see the "good" stuff. I believe in good over evil, I believe in truth over diplomacy, and I believe in will over circumstance.

I realize the strength lies in those people around me. They didn't go because I didn't leave.

The strength is in willing to go on. It's in daring to dream. For your own sake.

The uncertainty drifts away.

And I smile.