The meaning of friendship on a cold winter morning....

Early morning. Sometime around 6:15 AM.

Maybe I should just call it off. It's too cold in the morning to climb a hill. And too early too. Plus, I was having such a nice dream. I should call it off. Think, think of an excuse. Hmm, I'm sick. No, I..err... I hurt myself. But how? Naa... I overslept. Yes. Perfect. Believable too. I'm sure it's expected from me. It's so convenient being myself at times.

I stared at the ceiling above. I tried falling back to sleep, by snuggling deeper into my blanket and trying to remember what I was dreaming about. But, it was of no use. As expected, the phone rang.
"You awake right?", she asked.

"Ofcourse. As fresh as a daisy!", I chirped.

"Really? Anyway, see you at 7. SHARP!", she said.

"Ofcourse! I'm up and ready. Well, still got to brush, but don't you worry. I'll be there.", I sang into the phone.

I rolled in my bed for a few minutes, contemplating actually getting out.

Get up. It's good to be awake early in the morning. Exercise. Health is wealth. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man, sorry woman,healthy, wealthy and wise. Wow, I mused, my brain is gender correct in the morning. I was mildly impressed with myself.

By the time, I got out of bed, exactly 30 seconds after the completion of the "Healthy, Wealth, Wise" thought, I was singing and dancing. I spun. I bounced. I made faces in the mirror and admired the messy out of bed look.

I shouldn't comb my hair today. Look at those curls. There might be a very good looking guy hiking. Do good looking guys climb the hill in the morning?Ah, I might just get lucky. I look so happy. Bubbly bubbly. Is pink champagne really that tasty? Damn, dry skin. Where is that new lotion Mom bought? Hm.. shoot.. time to brush.
I brushed my teeth in rhythm to the latest Hindi pop songs.

I should go clubbing.But nothing beats bathroom dancing.
After I was assured I had done justice to my teeth and gums, I rummaged through my wardrobe to find something warm to wear.

God, Mom is right. I DO have too many clothes. Where's the red sweater?
I was ready when I received the customary "I'm leaving, you better be there when I reach" missed call.

As I stepped into the cold winter morning, I was instantly happier! It was a beautiful morning. Blue sky and I could make those fog cloud thingies. You know where you exhale and there's a nice cloud formation in front of your mouth? Ok yeah, so you know.

I skipped. Smiling to myself. I probably looked like an idiot, but I honestly didn't care. As long as there was no good looking guy around which, after an extensive survey of the neighbourhood, I knew wasn't.

I reached on time, and did a small victory dance for myself. Minutes later, my friend joined me and we started hiking.

Our talks were the usual.
Life. Friends. Parents. Movies. Romance. Boys. Money. Marriage. THE boy.

We laughed, remembering the silly things of the past. We took each others case over the stupid things we had done, and congratulated each other on the small, non-significant achievements which only your friends can truly appreciate.

These talks, however common they are, take a different, steeper meaning when you are with someone who has been with you for a long time and has seen you change, and appreciated the same.

There was nothing extraordinary in that morning maybe. I'm sure the sky was always as blue, and the wind just as cold, and morning air just as clean. I'm also sure we didn't speak about things we had never spoken about before or already knew.

We walked the same route, stopped at the same place, and drank chai at the same shed.


And yet, suddenly, everything felt lighter and brighter.

Pure friendship. A nice thing, I tell you.

Carpe Diem

I think about Now.
And it all seems Alright.

But then a thought about the Future
just turns off the Light.

I'm not a person who worries,
I'd live without a Care,
but this Future makes me uneasy,
It spoils my Everyday


Calling those who "Carpe Diem" for an inspiring conversation.....

:)

Rollicking laughter,
Peals of joy
Silly, funny,
Times enjoyed

Silence, whispers,
Secrets shared
Living the present,
Past uncared

Richness, greatness,
Dreams galore
Happy, smiling,
But hungry for more

The thing

"You still have this?!?", she asked incredulously.

"Yes, why?"

"It's so old! Didn't think you'd still have it around!", she said.

"Why not? What did you expect? That I'd throw it away?", I being incredulous now.

"Well, YEAH!", she exclaimed.

I frowned.

"I mean, it is nice. But that's about it! Does it even serve any purpose now? Plus, it takes up so much space! It's always in the way! Don't you think you're better off without it?", she asked.

I scowled.

"Welcome to the modern world honey!Nice doesn't cut it anymore! You need fast, efficient, functional! Time for an upgrade! And YOU are the one in the techie industry. YOU are supposed to keep pace.But you act like an, what do they call it, obsolete version?", she laughed.

"It's pathetic how you try to make techie jokes. Leave it to us geeks! Not that I'm implying I'm a geek".

She smirked.

"But that's besides the point. It's not about it being old, and serving some purpose, which by the way it did, some time ago. But... I've grown used to it. I'm... comfortable with it. It's comfortable".

I paused.

"And, I'm not a geek!"

"Correction! It was comfortable! I mean, look at it. The thing is..is... oh, its horrible! And the only one who seems to care about having it around is YOU. God alone knows why.Have you seen what the world has been coming up with while you decide to stay loyal to this... thing?!", she asked.

"It's not a thing!"

"OH MY GOD! It IS a thing!". She punched it. "See, NO feelings!"

"Well, yes, that way it is a thing."

"O.k, I'm waiting for you to start making sense here. And I'd love it if you hurried up!"

"Fine... but I don't see the point, because you aren't really going to agree. But here goes, ...I've had that "thing" around for a long time. I remember I was so excited when I first got it! I sat with it for a whole month! I was addicted! I thought it was the best thing ever! Absolutely fabulous, and way ahead of it's time! And though, it has become outdated?... I still like it. It reminds me... of how happy I used to get playing around with it. Hey, don't look at me like that! It's perfectly normal to get attached to "things"! It's only human! And you are one to talk! You kept that silly old..."

"OOOOKAY! Don't get started on that now! One thing I tell you and you never let me live it down!The embarassment just never ends!"

I giggled.
She sighed.

"I'm not saying it's unnatural to get attached to things. Hell, I do! But there's no point in doing so, if it ends up being a pain!See, you try fixing this thing like every month. It's fine for sometime, and then it's baccck to square one. And you get upset, because you have spent so much time, energy, money on it, so you expect it to run fine, but that thing doesn't give two hoots does it? DOES IT?" she said, actually yelled the last bit.

"Well.... maybe if I tried...."

"NO! No try, I beg of you. Just junk it. We'll go shopping today!Babe, you have not seen what's out there! We live in a very cool world. And you want to act Nomadic. I mean, the whole cave woman thing is sexy, but not in this context."

"Hmmm...."

"As in, you can try the whole wild ...."

"I know what context you meant it in!"

"Oh ok."

We laughed.

"So, you are junking it right? Please throw that thing out, I can't stand the sight of it!"

"I guess you are right. It does demand a lot of attention. And it is not at all co operative. And I don't like non co operation. From anything", I winked.

"Now you're talking! Ooo yeah ooo yeahh!!"

"You are an idiot!"

"I'm just happy!You are silly.Crazy!"

"The respect is mutual"

"Sooo... what are you going to buy? I saw this really cool one the other day, it was so hot!"

"Hot?"

"Yes, H-O-T. Like hot man. What you asking "Hot"?"

"I thought "things" couldn't be hot!"

"Anything can be hot!"

"Agreed!"


** A modified conversation.
A pretense. A story.
Inspired. True.
Said it................Said 'nuff **

Life...and some music....

"
I've been swimming in a sea of anarchy
I've been living on coffee and nicotine
I've been wondering if all the things I've seen
Were ever real, were ever really happening

Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine "

We sang on the top of our voices. We sang without caring if the neighbours heard us, if we were off key, if we lost our voices.

Completely surrendered to the song and to Sheryl Crows view on life.

It felt nice that somebody famous could be so relatable. If thats a word.

And of course, we were not on nicotine.

We all knew that we'd have to go back to our "life" but it felt good to be away from it. Not to be mistaken as depressed. We didn't have anything to be seriously unhappy about. But we were tired. Tired of explanations, tired of thinking of answers, tired of planning, and tired of wondering why it had to happen to us.

We didn't care about "what-if"s. We had silenced those by honesty.
We didn't care about "could have"s. We had the answer.
We didn't care about learning a lesson. We knew how it was taught.

We didn't care about anything we usually cared about.
And we knew we'd probably care too much about not caring too.

The tough thing about life is, going through a same set of emotions which you truly believed you would never have to go through again. It's like telling the same stories, wearing a different dress.

The only difference is, good or bad still undecided, we knew we'd sail through it. We knew that certain things can not be changed through the power of will. And certain things can not be expressed through the power of words.

And we certainly knew, that it was never easy to know if you had done the right thing or not.

We knew that, besides having each other, we'd have to reunite with a lost friend, Faith, again. And we prayed that Hope would not mind too much. We made a great team.

"You guys make me have so much fun" said one of us.

The song had changed.

"
Even if it's a lie, say it will be alright,
And I shall believe....
"
Dayumn.
That woman does know all.



* To those who have been there, done that. You know who you are *

I analyze almost as much as I breathe.

Every situation. Every emotion.

You. Myself. Everyone.

But mostly me.

I wonder if what I feel is right.
I wonder if what I feel is allowed.
I wonder if what I feel is correct.

Yet, I don' t stop feeling.

I make rules for myself. I try to behave.

Yet, I choose to be free spirited.

I choose my words. I control my actions.

Yet, I make mistakes.

I fear of getting hurt. I fear of heartbreak.

Yet, I say "I love you"

I seek attention. I crave company.

Yet, I never want to ask for it.

At the end of the day, I tell myself to be practical.

Yet, I continue to be impulsive.

I go through many emotions, each one I promise will be the last.

Yet, each time it feels as though it's the first.

I console myself saying I'm like everyone else.

Yet, at times I feel all alone.

Analyze then introspect.

Then I realize I can not be anyone else but me.

Predictably unpredictable.

Unpredictably predictable.

A Pure Paradox.

Yours Truly.

I sat in front of him. Looking down. Then out of the window. My eyes darted between looking at my half eaten sandwich and the coffee house window, carefully avoiding his face.
Carefully avoiding him.

My face was calm. Every hair neatly in place. It all effectively concealed the raging emotions, conflicting questions that had taken over my mind.

He would never know. He could never know.

He broke the silence by clearing his throat. I looked at him. With a steady, unwavering gaze devoid of any weak sentiment.

He smiled.

"So, what have you been upto? How have you been? ", he asked.

How have I been ? Did he just ask me how I have been?

I wanted to yell at him, yell at his lame attempt to strike a normal conversation.

Instead, I lied.

"I've been good. How about you?", I replied.

He relaxed a little. I hated him for that. He had no right to relax. Not after what he had done. Or rather, what he had failed to do.

"It's good, met up with a couple of school friends the other day. Felt nice. Thinking of going up North to meet relatives this coming May. Work is anyway light, that time of the year", he said.

I nodded. My mind was still engaged in processing those thousand questions, that were begging to be hurled at him, begging for an explanation.

He spoke on. About his work, his ambitions.

I nodded. Almost mechanically. Flashing him a pseudo sincere smile occasionally.

My mind wouldn't let up.

Why did you leave ? Am I not pretty enough ? Maybe I'm not smart enough ? Do you never think about all those times ? What about all those things you said ? Do I mean anything to you?

He mentioned something about moving away. Meeting his grandparents.

You always move away. I shuddered at the force of that statement.

And then he said something I wasn't prepared for.

"I'm scared", he said. "I don't think I can handle it, you know how long she's been suffering. I can't see her like this. I'm not strong enough."

I looked up, directly into his eyes. And I gulped. He was really scared. Scared of losing his loved one. Scared of accepting that he couldn't do anything about it.

Now you know how I felt. How it hurts. How it pains. And how you need someone, to just say it's going to be alright.

This could be my chance. My chance to teach him a lesson. To make him realize. It would only take one sentence. And it would hit him hard. I just had to....

"You'll be fine", I reached over and patted his hand, and smiled reassuringly. "She's going to make it, believe me. You just hang in there!"

I knew, in that fraction of a second, that I would never know the answers to my questions. I'll never know what went wrong. What he was thinking then, and whether our relationship ever meant anything to him. Whether he thought about me while he was away, or whether he wondered how I was doing.

All I knew was, he needed a friend. And I had to be one. I played my part well. And I played it honestly. And I sealed those feelings, away in a small box somewhere deep, in the back of my mind.

He left, after a couple of days. And he promised to keep in touch. I just listened, knowing very well, that I would probably never hear from him, once he reached his destination.

I knew I had done the right thing, to reach out and help.
Unfortunately doing that right thing, doesn't always provide the relief you'd think it would.

I knew I had no other choice.I knew that my feelings, however agonizing, had no place to be voiced.

But knowing doesn't mean forgetting.

And moving on is always easier said than done.








*Work of fiction. Resemblance to my life is purely due to your unnecessary interpretation. Enjoy it merely as a piece of writing*