Situations show you your true friends.

I'm glad I always saw right.

Dance away

I stood in pose.
Head down.
Hands rested on my thighs.
Hip jutted.
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E.
The word flashed in my mind.
My shoulders became straighter.
I stood taller.


I could hear the C.D. being inserted and the whirring sound it made before the head found the right track. Time to move.

Choreographing this song had been the best experience. It was supposed to be a "sexy" song, and initially, had sent all of us into peals of laughter and had caused a lot of blushing. Now...well....

It started off in a freestyle. We moved and swayed to the music, throwing occasional se..xy..., oh who am I kidding, with pursed lips, narrowed eyes, and loud movements, we were trying to look our sexiest best. I never dared to steal a glance at the guys during this one minute. It was a frightening thought.

Freeze. The girls on either side moved ahead. I followed suit.

One, two, three, four. Step. Step.

Don't stop, don't stop, hissed the girl singing the song.

Butt shake. I stifled a smile. A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E flashed in my mind again.

The song slowed down to a sultry beat, and we went on all fours and crawled ahead. The next step was lovingly termed the "babuji" step by all of us. Man, that Yana Gupta sure made this one look easy.

Twist, twist, move up.

Walk. One, two, three, look over shoulder, four.

Don't stop, don't stop.
Hips sashayed to the music, sending the edge of a flouncy skirt slightly high. Instinctively, four pairs of male eyes glanced in that direction. Boys will be boys.

The music stopped with a final plea of Don't stop, don't stop.
We stood in attention, waiting for the hip hop number to start. I loved this song. It was upbeat, energetic, and sporty. It made you bounce around the place, and the first few days were spent in getting the light spring in every step. It had jerks, swift moves, all oozing out punkish vibes. It made you feel light and carefree while moving. Plus, this sequence had a snazzy mix of Indian jhatkas and Western pump.

The irregular moves now gave way to technically perfect moves for Sean Paul's Temperature. Each move had to be well defined, and perfectly timed.

More hip shakes. More spins. The guys really had strenuous moves. Falls, push -ups, almost like a work out regime!

I got da right temperature to shelter you from da storm....
One, two, three, cross, left, right, move across.
Head, hip, shake, turn
left, right, pose, turn
The guys then took us by the waist and sent us spinning into the centre.

One spin, two spin. stop.

oh I wanna be da Papa...You can be da Mom....oh oh!
Right leg out, one step in, left, right, shake that thing. :P

With one swift movement, the final positions were taken.

Applause.

The choreographer dude then corrected some of us. New positions were decided. Costumes changed.

I was on a high. My mind had nothing but bits and pieces of the various songs mixed in it, creating a soundtrack of my own. My breath was shallow and my limbs ached. Sweat dripped slowly down my back. Loose tendrils of hair stuck on my cheeks.

Once more, he yelled.

I got into position.

I snuck a peek at the watch.

It was just 7 A.M.

At times, I am the shoulder. And then, I need one.
I seek inspiration.
I don't think being taken for granted is a sign of true friendship.
It puzzles me why saying and doing the right thing is always so difficult.
It is easier hiding behind a facade.
Sometimes, I cry myself to sleep. And sometimes, I'm too excited to close my eyes.
It happens to only some of us.
No one can hear a heart breaking.
Life is to be smiled at.
Friends are hard to find.
Memories keep me smiling.
Mercurial.
There are a million things that go through my mind and there are million things I want to say. At times, I wish to say nothing at all.
I'm here but not really.
Whoever said it's hard to break a friendship had no idea what he was talking about.
Things are easily forgotten. Feelings easily ignored.
We are selfish people.
Parents are the world.
New York would be an amazing city to live in.
Moments of clarity are often delusional.
Friendship is tolerance.
Trust is an oxymoron.
Loneliness breeds introspect.


I had to say something. I have no idea where I got lost

There it stood. Tall. In all its glory.

Beautiful.

Mesmerizing.

Enchanting.

A rose.

It made everyone stop and stare. A second look definitely.
Kids called it pretty. Females cooed. Men admired.

Pompous and vain.
But gorgeous nevertheless.

The ordinary ferns on either side enhanced its appeal.

Attractive. Alluring.

But it wasn't long before it started shedding. Wilting.
With that came a pervasive noisome odor.

The odor that reeked of dying vanity, and short lived glamour.

I always wonder why I love roses.
.

A double game,
of mind and heart,
Joy and ecstasy,
or a crash and fall

A fleeting glance,
a simple smile,
the touch of your hand,
the sound of your voice

Trust over betrayal,
reserved and coy,
emotions overwhelm,
as hearts entwine

A bond can be grown,
or tears can be shed,
Passion and love,
or agony and regret ?

5 super heroes a girl must date

I love The Incredibles. Absolutely love them. They are fun. They are cool. AND they wear my favourite colour - RED!

Super heroes rock.

As a child, they provide you inspiration by fighting off evil. As a teenager, they provide you a mental sketch of your perfect guy.(I'm the Spiderman type.Ahem. MJ- get it? :P ) And once you get married, they probably make you look at your ordinary, pot-bellied husband with certain amount of disdain.

Super heroes rock.

And here's a compilation of five of the most date-worthy super-men....

1) Superman
Ever feared the day you'll introduce your beau to your parents? It's like nothing seems appropriate enough. And you can just about imagine the scowl on your parents face when you start off with "Mom, dad, I'd like you to meet......", or even "Hey mom and dad! Remember how you used to always say, someday you'll find the right guy? weeelllll.... ::big grin and suggestive eyes:: ...", or "Mom and Dad.Meet _______. I'm kinda, okay, like sorta like seeing him?".

Everything just spells out failure.

WHICH is why Superman becomes guy - to - date # 1. Why? Imagine your parents going "It's a bird! It's a plane! It's supppppeerrrrrmaaann!!"

And then you, oh so nonchalantly, modestly, offhandedly announce that the bird-plane combo man has grabbed your fancy. Sweet, ain't it?

Ooh, a lil secret. The underpants worn outside are actually a source of power.

Don't ask me how I know.

2) Spiderman
Alright, I have no idea as to how many girls agree with me here, but swinging the alleys of New York on dainty spider-spun thread has always been a secret fantasy of mine.

Plus, any guy who can kiss upside down in rain certainly deserves a piece of my heart.

And yeah, the guy looks good in spandex.

3) Batman
A spin in the bat-mobile is reason enough.

Plus men with a 6 pack wearing black leather are hard to resist. Ah-men!

Oh oh, and Batman's secret identity is Bruce Wayne, who is a philanthropist, playboy, AND a billionaire industrialist. Now how about that?


4)Max Evans
Doubt many know this sensitive, intelligent and intense alien from Antar currently residing in Roswell, New Mexico, USA, Earth, but he is a catch!

With only a deposit of cadmium-X, he can heal you in a minute!

It's like Maxie Poo (I swear some girls say that!) I cut myself! I'm bleeding! And voila, silver hand print and new skin! Makes the whole damsel in distress act more worthwhile too.

*Sigh*

Think the same works on blemishes and flabby skin? Hmm....


5) Zorro
Zorro. The enigmatic Don Diego de la Vega. I'm still trying to get over the way the name rolls off my tongue.

A sensitive swashbuckler who dances the flamenco (or is it the tango? ) like nobody's business!?!
(Still not over the Don Diego de la Vega...and dance is in the picture? )

Zorro, indeed, is vhery vhery vhi-gho-rhous!

Plus, I love the signature 'Z'.

I'll be his Senorita anytime.


And with that, I now return to my world with normal men.

NORMAL men.

I hate normalcy.

Recently, I discovered that I can be a pain in the ass for myself. Especially when I have no idea what to do. Like now.

Phone calls don't end up lasting more than a few minutes. Music is played but not heard. The ones you have been meaning to avoid are online. There's nothing to watch on T.V. Radio talks about broken relationships. The refrigerator provides no junk food. All the movie CDs are kept in your parents room, which is not accessible at this hour. You have tons to do, but no will to do it. And that just pisses you off more.

I thought and thought of ways to amuse myself. Maybe try dancing, but I was too lazy to get off my ass and move. Singing would not be much appreciated by neighbours. Going out for a drive was not even an option.

I decided to seek solace through the phone. Not that it helped. My three best friends were placed as follows: one in a disc, with a discharged cellphone. The other with a cold and helping a friend with girlfriend issues. And the third was trying to make hand drawn charts for some show and planning a strategy to reach college first and put the lovely creations up. Other few were not reachable, not on talking terms or not worth it.

Then there was the another cheaper and quieter mode. Short message service. But after a while, when I realised people were either more bored or having too much fun to bother about me, even that lost its charm.

So, I had two options..

1) Get to work and start composing my seminar abstract
2) Sulk, crib and sulk?

The second was way more appealing. So I sulked.

Having absolutely no one around to sympathize, I decided I was being an idiot. So even sulking was given up.

Then, desperate to do something, and get rid of the boredom that was now engulfing me in its miserable and pathetic vastness, I decided to BLOG!

Thankfully, I hadn't lost the will to blog yet.

Yes, applaud now! Thank you, thank you, you are too kind! Ok, cut the crap

So, I thought I'll make a list of all the things that cheer me up, hoping to be left in a slightly better frame of mind after I penned everything down....

So here goes nothing....

I love....

1) Dancing in front of the mirror

2) Loud music in the morning

3) Bear hugs

4) Late night calls that last for hours

5) More bear hugs

6) Unwrapping gifts

7) Chocolate - pure chocolate

8) Long drives

9) Wrapping gifts

10) Making popcorn and watching a movie with mom and dad

11) Day dreaming

12) Fighting and making up

13) Shopping

14) Getting together with friends and doing absolutely nothing

15) Waking up to discover that today is NOT a bad hair day!

ok...so this is working.....

16) Cliche, sentimental, sappy movies

17) Realistic, hard-hitting, critically acclaimed movies

18) Huge bouquet of flowers

19) Anything sweet- can be human or edible

20) Random bitching

21) Looking at old photos

22) Writing

23) Reminiscing

24) Acting crazy

25) Silly jokes

26) Tapori Songs

27) Playing pranks

28) Strawberry scented toiletries

29) Uninhibited laughter

30) Feelin' better

Here I go, high on my own......

New Year, New Everything

New Year. There's something very final and at the same time initial about it. There's excitement. And nostalgia. It's as if you have finished scripting and editing a chapter in your book, and all set to write a new one, though you are completely unaware of what to write.

There's so much you leave behind, though you probably carry much more into the new year.Hopes, ambitions, aspirations, wishes, and good will.As a daughter, you hope your parents find all the happiness they deserve.As a friend, you hope your friends keep laughing and stay sane.For yourself, you wish so many things.In general, you wish the world tries to be a happy place, because that's what everyone deserves.

I think all of us turn into sentimental schmucks this time of the year.We reminisce, we smile, we laugh, we hug, we cry, we cheer, and we partake in every possible merry activity, in hopes that the new year will be brighter, happier and sweeter.

Never has the daily event of night turning into day held so much importance.And never has it given so much anticipation.

The same Sun, we curse every other morning, is now much revered.

Of course, there's a lot that goes into making that one day special. Booking for 'the perfect' place to celebrate starts months in advance with prices doubling every other day.New Years' bashes start advertising themselves, claiming to provide the ultimate party experience.Invitee passes remind you of the importance of having 'superior connections' and every piece of clothing comes with the 'pay more, for less' tag.

With so many choices and opinions, it's not surprising that most of us have no clue as to what to do to welcome the new year.Some of us prefer to have a mellow evening at home, with family and close friends, ending a year of togetherness and starting another, with promises to always be there for each other, no matter what.Others prefer to be in a place that is abuzz with the indescribable New Year vibe.And there are others, like me, who are often torn between hitting the clubs or spending an evening in quiet company.

But no matter how you spend the evening, where you spend it,and with whom you do, the reason for celebrating is, more or less, the same. We all face the New Year with 365 multiplied by age amount of memories, stored somewhere deep within the heart and tucked away in mind, making space for another 365, good, bad or ugly ones.

Frankly speaking, I had lost all hopes of enjoying New Years' after plans of heading down to Goa were canceled.Nothing seemed enjoyable enough. And it all seemed impossible to co-ordinate.I'll spare you the details of how everything eventually worked out, and jump directly to tell you that it will definitely go down as one of the cutest and nicest New Year celebration.I mean, I ended up coming home at 4, so it outta have been fun right? :)

The night, spent in the company of close friends, though I would have preferred few others joining in, was full of laughter, new acquaintances hitting it off, and sharing the best and worst moments of 2006.

2006.It was over.But I could still remember each day as if it were only yesterday.The feelings were still fresh.Incidents, accidents, and moments still clear.Some brought a smile, and some misty eyes.But they all existed, in a sequence, each time stirring the same emotions.

2007.A new notebook, and I just wanted to snatch it, take a pen, and start scribbling before anyone beat me to it.And I already had a memory.

Morning of 2007.My mom, my best friend and I.For the first time, just talking, without any hurry or interruption.We spoke of nothing significant, a few experiences, yet it was the best conversation one could have over a steaming cup of tea.

I don't know what the year ahead will bring.It's inviting and scary.But what I do know is that my super cool parents and crazy friends will still continue to 'unconditionally' love me (aaww come on!), and I'll still be the same ol' me, much wiser of course, but still preferring not to disclose it. :)

The truth is, there is nothing "new" in the year.Everything is just better because we improved.

Is my mirror me?

This is a further addition to the article I wrote titled 'My mirror is Me'. As I did realise later, while I was going through the blog, that the blame on media for lowering the self-esteem of todays woman might have been slightly extreme. And maybe they should not be held entirely responsible for it. Why? I thought you'd never ask.

O.k, what I guess I want to say is (or now point a finger to ) that the reason for the poor self love might be due to the society and family dynamics, to a larger extent, than media. I think, most of the women today are quite self confident to not let a scantily clad woman on a screen challenge the attractiveness of their proportions. How many of us ACTUALLY care to attract attention by wearing shorts, halters, etc ? Rather, we'd not WANT to attract attention (the sensible ones ) that way, cause it'd be from the wrong people. Before you start with that 'But' you have in your mind, I'd like to say its not that most of us don't like wearing nice, flattering clothes, but please get the distinction between liking to wear them and thinking it absolutely necessary as it is propounded through certain advertisements.

Also, if it were the case that media influenced the sensible thinking woman of today, you'd see hordes of women giving up education and chasing after fairer skin in order to materialize their dreams, as Fair and Lovely states it does. I quite admire the Fair and Lovely advertising campaign. On one side, they distinguish between women, people actually, courtesy introduction of Fair and Handsome (acckk, Mills and Boons fans! Rebel against this! Long live the tall, dark, and handsome hero!), on the basis of skin, yet on the other they showcase a pro-education and women empowerment attitude by sponsoring scholarships. Applause!!

And of course, you have the "K" serials which portray women to be cunning, devilish creatures who work silently, all the time having a weirdly raised eyebrow and painfully pursed lips, to make sure the entire family goes through havoc to prove a petty point. But, neither do most women dress like vamps portrayed in Hindi serials nor act like them (Hell, the slight amount of bitchiness that every woman possesses is just the result of possessing an extra X -chromosome). Most women laugh at these vixens and perceive them as weak characters.

As Femina once rightly put it (while displaying a highly voluptuous figure on its cover page), todays woman is a Woman of substance. ( I guess the well-endowed figure was used to emphasize 'substance'). And yes, women today are pretty much fashion savvy and age defying does have lot of importance. I guess, when you feel good from inside, you wanna look good on the outside too.

So, then where does self-hatred due to a not satisfying outer self appearance stem from? Society? Yes. Family. Definitely. Now when I think about the episode on Oprah, the young children who suffered from the "body beautiful" hype, were in fact emulating their mothers. The young girl who wouldn't leave her house without makeup did so, only because she saw her mother in front of the mirror everyday, with mascara and rouge, grooming herself before she stepped out. And the young child, who thought herself fat and cribbed, was just parroting her mother.

I guess what you realise is, the values that are inculcated by parents during childhood either make you or break you. Media and the "glamour" would have absolutely no adverse effect on a healthy, self-assured, confident personality. However, it does prey on an insecure, weak self perception, driving you to the edge and over into the valley of emotional distress, eating disorders and self abuse.

Change and some other shakes

There are certain times in your life, which are so powerful and sudden, that they'll leave you completely ripped of all your beliefs, convictions and aspirations. And so challenging are such times, that you feel as if you have lived the life of a complete idiot until now. It's like when you are 10 and believe that the tooth fairy does exist and wait eagerly for your first tooth to fall so you can get the extra buck. Or you actually are nice to the kid you hate most, because you are afraid that Santa is ACTUALLY watching from the North Pole and won't get you anything for Christmas.

Then, by the time you are 12, and have a whole set of new teeth, without any addition to your piggy bank, you realise the tooth fairy is cheap and that Santa can't see all the way from North Pole, because the guy who kept bullying you always got the better gifts for Christmas. (what you didn't know then was the fact that the guy was stinking rich, but that doesn't matter..it still proves the fact that Santa ain't watching).

Later, when you hit adolescence (the most eye-opening years) you start dreaming about the perfect guy, you know the one who is cute, has a great smile (dimples of course!), smart, yada yada yada and has eyes only for you, a guy who thinks you totally rock and though you have no intentions of meeting him immediately ( your parents would kill you) you are pretty sure that one day fate will do her magic and both of you will meet. And you're happy waiting. Till then, you keep yourself busy with girly gossip, PJ parties, school, extra curricular activities, doing well, keeping your rank amongst the first three in class (what an ego boost that is! ), and enjoying life, fancy free!

And then comes that time, the one that will again shake everything, the change. You meet people smarter than you, who can manage stuff better than you, rather who do it better than you. As the 'incompetent' feeling starts to seep in, you turn to your girlfriends for help, the ones who had promised to stick with you through thick and thin, only to realise that promises made at overnight parties and in slambooks are void. Being the damsel in distress, that smart, suave guy you were sure you'd meet has no plans of saving you, or if by chance you do run into him, you soon realise he is busy running around the trees with a much prettier( read dumb) female. And as you're trying to get over the betrayal of your so called true love, your parents start expressing their discontent over your new lifestyle, the pathetic state of your room ( and the fact that EVERYBODY has a messy room is not good enough an excuse ) , and your disregard for responsibility. Yeah, you pretty much lose it there.

And though all of us can relate to this feeling of utter frustration, the time when you do go through it is probably one of the loneliest times ever. Of course, what we don't realise is, that all these tumultuous ups and downs , act as a catalyst in the 'growing up' process. I still remember my first 'unrequited' crush. Looking back, I'm glad it remained unrequited ( I had pretty much a lousy taste in guys . Yeah,okaaayy, stop laughing now) It has improved now. I think. :P

But, as they claim ( I have no idea who 'they' refers to, lets just go by popular belief) , every struggle in nature results in evolution ( hell, I have no idea if that has ever been said, I just sorta came up with that one, so lemme explain with examples) so, going on, for example, a butterfly struggles out from the chrysalis, only to be set free. A child struggles to get on all four, only to later learn how to crawl and then walk. Each struggle in Nature results in the better adaptation of the individual to the surroundings.

Similarly, the mental struggles of an individual are not an unfortunate incident, but a necessary honing of the mental self to survive in a world full of treachery, wrath, revenge, deceit, betrayal, blasphemy and profanity. And all this just leads to a balanced, pragmatic attitude which I believe is an approach certainly more effective than an emotional one.

And once you go through those depressingly lonely times, the other smaller, nicer things in life give you double the happiness.A pat on the back, a smile from a cute stranger, an A+ on a test, a good game, acknowledgement, appreciation, recognition. Change, inevitable (except from a vending machine) supplies a different perception, of people, of circumstances, of opportunities, and of yourself. The scary part, and it freaks me out, is that only a few of us actually emerge stronger and better. The rest make headlines for suicides, murders, and acts of vandalism.

All in a day

I'm again in one of those moods of mine. The mood in which I don't feel like doing anything though I'm not slightly tired. I think I'm not tired. I should be tired. Maybe I AM tired. After all, I have had only 4 hours of sleep and no lunch. Why did I put myself through such torture? Call it temporary insanity, which results due to stress, which results due to a very unnecessary thing called 'submissions' which unfortunately HAS to exist in a educational stream called as engineering. You'd think that long run-on sentence might have provided some kind of emotional release but unfortunately it has just succeeded in heightening the frustration, so you'll just have to deal with more rants. Tough luck.

So, why 4 hours of sleep in the first place? Because Microsoft produces lousy software. But I guess I don't need to stress on that. Sorry Bill, don't take it personally. It's just the lousy mood talking, and it will be till I understand 'software' better. Or it might just still be the same. Anyway, so yeah 4 hours of sleep and 8 hours of college out of which 5 are spent running around for printouts, index sheets, signatures, extra assignments and reading other notices put up to remind you, this is not the worst. And why no lunch? Because you can never leave the lab out of the fear the teacher may just walk in any minute, and just screw your life more if not seen. Of course, when you do try to approximate the time of the teachers arrival by nicely asking her/him (with your hands behind your back and pleasant relaxed face...mind condition not in agreement ...obviously) when they plan to arrive, it is ALWAYS the very next minute without it BEING the very next minute. So then obviously you wait and wait....and well.... lunch sorta just goes outta the picture.

And now that I'm in this mood, I'll question why I took up engineering in the first place. Hmmm..... so I will go ponder that. Till then, take care.

First impressions, and then some...

First impressions. How many of us reaaalllly trust them? I know if I did, I'd be pretty miserable and lonely by now. And extremely manipulated. Notice, I said manipulaTED, and not manipulative. So, you can stop shaking your head in agreement now. Or rather, if you know me at all, shake it harder! :P

So, yeah, first impressions. Man, the experiences I have had with these! First of all, with Meghana. (I'm concluding on a nice note dear, don't look so petrified!). Simply put, I hated her initially. No....wait....I didn't care much. Then I hated her....right Megs?...or was it the other way around? Anyway, yeah, I never really liked her much. I guess I have managed to emphasize that properly. :D So going on with the story, we never really hit it off. I thought she was way stuck up. Correction. She is way stuck up. :P But somewhere down the line, I realised we were really similar. We both had same thoughts, thought way too less of others (heheh) and then, we were best friends! Quite the swing, eh? On what grounds I realised, is way too embarrassing to state now, so lets leave it at that. Any questions you have, WILL NOT be answered. Megs, please don't oblige.

Second pseudo impression? Hmmm....Veni. Definitely. Did NOT like her. I still don't know why. Quite a cute, harmless looking creature! Maybe thats why!! :P But honestly, being in PICT, with her, has been good. I survived! Thanks to her. This extremely paranoid person, who thinks everyone is out to get her, and if an asteroid ever hit Earth, it'd find her first, is very adorable. And for Gods sake, I'm not lying! Really!

Pseudo impression # 3. Ankur. I thought this dude was a big, friendly giant who missed his mommy most of the times. Wait a minute......the dude IS a big, friendly giant who does miss his mommy most of the times. :D ....but still is independent, I adore you dude! And stop grinning all that much. God!

There are many more people on the list. Smriti. Though that was not exactly a "bad" impression. I just did NOT know how to act around her. Both of us are quite different in methods of expression. But, all said and done, we get along quite well now. :)
Gayatri. What a story. From tattletaling to teachers, and now to hanging out whenever possible, it's been quite a roller coaster ride. And just as fun! Then Rahul, from the highly snobbish male to the extremely, genuinely helpful and dependable guy I now know him as.

For me, the ones I dislike initially, I gel well with later and vice versa. Hmm, gives a lil 'zing' to relationships, eh?

Sometimes you like someone only because you like yourself when you are around them

The mind's eye

"It's your perception, dear. If you see red as pink, you'll never see love. If you see blue as gray, you'll never see the sky but only the dark clouds"

TGIF??

Friday has been, by far, the most tumultuous day. Ever.
Such mixed emotions. Went to college sleepy. Got sleepier still throughout the course of the day.
What thrill unqualified professors seek from teaching, and getting 300 other disturbed, break-starved, over-stressed yet obedient students to attend, is still a mystery to me. And yes, I'm very nice to my kind. So there we sat, learning data transfer through modems and entities and relationships, while the relentless rain provided the perfect background score.

Lunch was good. Thanks to food.

Would have been better, if four long hours hadn't succeeded it. Takes the whole joy outta eating, believe you me.

Luckily, after learning more about preemptive job scheduling (I like the look on your face....) and avoidance of deadlock (ah, even better now), and admiring some wiseguys' insight on polygon clipping (marvelous..I wish I had a camera), the horrendously long day was almost ending. Two more hours. And I'd be home free.

Two hours went as fast as two hours could go.. Irony. Yes.With a capital I. Time was conspiring against me that day

So, finally, after learning a few Linux commands,( cat, it seems, is not just an animal but a very important tool to create new files. Now how many of you knew that? Anyway, lets keep cat to be the furry cute frisky thing. Makes living easier) I was out! Liberty, I love thy glory. Yeah so,... you get the point.

And then of course, the most entertaining part of my current educational life, is the means by which I get to the educational hub. My carpool. The 11-kilometer one way journey, full of laughter, case-taking, sarcasm, and loud music. However, that day, the traffic really bore on our nerves. Some drivers would be dead, if it weren't illegal to randomly shoot people on the road. And I was really tempted to give certain few a piece of my mind, but expressing opinions vociferously is just not something I have been brought up to do.

Finally, I do reach home. My humble abode. And then, I seek solace in my bed. And my fluffy, yellow blankie. And after 2 hours of deep sleep, its all good again. For a while atleast ;)

Hurt. Anger. Revenge. Betrayal.

Love.Tranquility. Friendship. Trust.

Look around.

Banish.
Look within.

Nourish.

Writers block.

Today has been a crappy day.

Gone

It happened in less than a second.
It registered much later.
And yet she did not move.

Crunched metal. Shattered glass gleamed. Blood made abstract patterns on the asphalt.
And somewhere, she knew, was his body.

Her mind was numb. The entire accident played in her mind, a never ending movie. It did not make sense.

Her legs carried her over to the scene. Burnt rubber stung her nostrils. Nausea rose within her.
Her lungs burned. She couldn't breathe.
And then, she saw him. He lay mangled. His right leg bent at a terrifying angle beneath him. And his eyes were cold. Vacant. She shuddered.

The nausea threatened again.

She rode with him. Destination now changed. It reeked of sweat and old cushions. But the smell of blood filled the interior. She gaged.

It had been an hour. The blood had soaked her clothes, and yet he bled. It trickled down, from the gash, like water from a faulty faucet.

He had support now. Oxygen. She did not want to know whether he inhaled any or not. He had oxygen.

The monitor simply stared back at her. The line danced, and his heart beat. It was the only proof of his existence.

Silence. It engulfed her. But it had been anything but silent. She could still hear the scream. It had been laden with pain. She never liked bikes.

He was always the risk taker. He used to laugh at her timidness. He laughed loudly. He loved life. Yes, he very much did.

She recoiled at her minds use of past tense.
The monitor brought her back to attention. She stared. Could it be?

Irony.

It was a straight line now. It stretched to infinity.

Nausea threatened again. Tears stung.

No, she screamed. No, No, No!

They were sorry.

The curtain fell.

And there was no applause.

My mirror is Me

"I'm fat"
"I'm just not beautiful"
"He'll never ask me out"
Sounds like the typical teenage angst. All of us can identify with it, on some level. We can understand that need to belong, to feel accepted and to be liked and loved by those around us. Sooner or later, we all find comfort in our own skin and the self-acceptance issue is dismissed as 'just a phase'. So I thought. And I was wrong.
Everybody has issues. I had mine. At one point of time, I looked at myself as if I were this horrible looking beast. But then, it passed. Other important things took its place and life moved on. I was lucky. I realise now.
Its a common belief that it is only teenage girls who suffer from such self perceptions. Its the puberty setting in. Suddenly you are aware of the opposite sex and you realise that guys don't have the 'cooties' you once thought they did, and the mud they once used to eat did do them good. You realise that eye makeup grabs attention and lipstick holds it. Then you grow wiser and realise that too much make up makes slutty and you are best being you. You realise 'boyfriends' are not 'trophies' to be won but a nice 'accessory' to your life. You are aware of the responsibilities you have towards yourself, your parents and your friends. Your dreams are now your goals and your ambitions are your life. You hold your head high, walk with confidence, serene and content with yourself. You look into the mirror. It reflects what you feel. My mirror is ME

For most girls, this is the normal transition from a 'naive doll to a woman'. And for some, its not quite that easy.

I had heard of girls abusing themselves to the extent of turning anorexic or bulimic. Ballerinas and models were the constant victims of these diseases. I had read stories of girls struggling with not so petite figures and the disgust they felt in a bathing suit. Stories of some having broken mirrors because they could not stand looking at themselves. I had relentlessly tried to talk my friends out of going on the "quick way to a slimmer you" diet. And while all this was depressing, I don't think the magnitude of the whole 'body beautiful' hype struck me until I saw a four year old CHILD dieting on peaches and plums because she was afraid she'll grow fat and hence ugly.

And if that weren't shocking enough, another even younger girl threw tantrums when her mother refused to let her use makeup. A cute 3 year old is using foundation, eye liner and lipstick to make herself feel pretty or refusing to get out of the house?!

Where is this stemming from? Can it be dismissed as one unnatural case? I don't think so. If it were just something I saw on T.V., I'd be inclined to do so. Unfortunately it's not. The amount of young girls going through mental depression due to lack of self esteem is disturbing. And the age bracket of such victims is not limited to teens but includes infants!
Why such self hatred? Suicidal urges? Desperate need to twist oneself in a pretzel? Blind in seeing, rather acknowledging the fact that you are good looking, talented and worthy? Security in hiding behind a bitchy, slutty or snobbish facade? Why Why Why? Why does plastic beauty gain a precedence over gods given gift? Why do pursed full lips have an edge over normal 'functional' lips? And why are silicon implants still a popularity given the risk they could pose in breast cancer detection?

Why is such an unrealistic ideal of the feminine form being propounded? Why is unblemished skin, a 36-24-36, and long legs being used to advertise a car, a commodity which is used by both the sexes? Why are most of these advertisements made through a male lens, though it targets women also? Leads to a male chauvinistic perception of women as sex symbols, doncha think?
If you happen to be one of those who finds the entire advertising aspirational, and appreciate the aesthetic attractiveness, then good for you. But what about those who suffer from disoriented social expectations?
Psychologists give detailed explanations. They prescribe medications and advice you to go to shrinks. But is solution really in the 'doctored' help?

Why can't we project in society, chuck society, within ourselves a healthy mental image over a Barbie doll image? It's said, that if Barbie's proportions were translated into a human figure, there would be no space for a stomach in a waist that tiny. And yet, every young girl is fascinated by a Barbie. Why do we allow it?Why do we have only one Sophie Dahl who defies the stick thin image and emerges to be a successful model?
Is the solution such a blur? Probably. But then again isn't the root of all this a mere lack of self respect? If parents took a keen interest in their children, wouldn't it instill self love? Healthy family dynamics have always resulted in strong, confident individuals. And, corny as it sounds, if we'd compliment those around us, even once, it'd help boost an ego. Notice people around and you and acknowledge them. Hasn't a smile lingered on your face slightly longer when someone has genuinely told you how great you look? And it's not about laying it on thick.When you sense some kind of distress, it doesn't cost much to ease it off by being nice. Feels nice too. Trust me.

At 20

Twenty.
Two decades old.
The tens place of my age changed.

I felt that was reason enough to celebrate.

I expected to wake up feeling a sense of maturity, some amount of calm and I probably would have , if I had slept the night. But since I woke up with no such feelings, I decided to delve into other aspects of my personality to discover what was the 'twenty' in me. It's funny how many faults you discover about yourself when you seriously consider self evaluation. Which is why that was the first and last time I'm ever doing it.

But probably the more entertaining part of turning 20 was the reactions I got from everyone around me.

My parents emphasized the responsibilities I would now have to share in the house. But then again, I had heard that at 19, 18, 17, 16.... but somehow at 20 they thought it would get through. Hmm..no comments.

My relatives had a hard time accepting it. Actually, they just have a hard time believing I'm growing. It seems it easier to remember me as 4 year old than otherwise, because I always seem to elicit reactions like "My god! You are how old?", "You grew up soo fast!", "Last time I saw you, you were hardly 4!"

My friends taunted me on the fact that I was no more a teen. That wasn't enough however. It extended to include my single status and inability to like alcohol. And I have a feeling I'm going to be hearing that for quite a few years. Sometimes, I wish they'll just deem me useless and leave it at that. But then again, I had also wished I'd landed first on the moon.

All in all, it was a great day! Almost no one forgot. Well, a certain someone did. But I have given her enough heat, so I'll hold my peace now. Yes, maturity comes at 20. Lucky you.

Anyway, on a serious note, the 'going on 20' year did teach me a thing or two.

I have learned....

I'm my biggest strength. And my biggest critic.

Things can go very very wrong.

When things do go wrong, very few people stick by you. Yes, those people are crazy but they love you very much. English terms them as Family.

Certain things occur in an instant but have long lasting effects. You might not be the same again. But better.

Opinions will never cease to exist.

People will talk. They will advise. That does not mean they know you better than you do.

Best friends rock.

Purple does not have to be the new pink.

Sometimes, you just have to hang in there.

Your nose does stop growing at 20.

Smiling and laughing does wonders to your popularity.

You are worth it.

It is unfair. It does suck. But it is not forever.

It goes sleep, food and studies. Any other order gives you gases.

People who believe in you, will continue believing. Those who don't, don't matter.

Somethings are just not worth it. Leave it.

Some people also are just not worth it.

Mom's always right. And Dad does know the computer better.

Many will find you weird. And it might not be because of your nose.

Success changes definitions.

There are bigger things happening in this world.

Backs are not fond of high heels.

Guys are still just as stupid. Some are better looking.

Hypocrisy is common.

It's fine if it's not fatal.
It does not have to be personal.

Confidence sails.

Paranoia is not fun.

To breathe.